Tasha, A friend of mine from University, recalls how a guy she dated in University had an unusual attitude about blow jobs. “He wouldn’t let me give him head because he thought it was degrading to women,” she told me. “He felt very strongly that as a self-professed male feminist, he couldn’t receive oral sex, even though I told him I wanted to do it and found it empowering.” He refused to budge even after they began dating seriously and having other kinds of sex, all in an effort to protect Tasha’s dignity.
Tasha’s example might sound almost funny considering the narrative women have that noman can refuse head, but it’s not unusual for women with submissive kinks or fantasies whether performing oral sex or involved more straightforwardly dominating acts like choking, hitting, bondage, verbal degradation or rape play to be treated in such a manner by the men they’re sleeping with.
Feelings of shame and vulnerability came up fairly often, and most of the women say they’ve experienced judgment, condescension and armchair psychoanalysis from men who felt their submissive desires weren’t healthy.
Shame-free communication is obviously optimal, but in the realm of sexual desire, it’s often easier said than done. As well as speaking with submissive lady friends of mine, I also heard from about a dozen male friends whose girlfriends have submissive kinks or fantasies that make them feel uncomfortable, many of whom report difficulties with being honest about their misgivings.
