Ah, celebrities. They’re so crazy… constantly doing things that look uncomfortable, irrational, unsafe, and meaningless, just because they can.
I have this theory that part of why we love terrible reality TV shows that feature young, beautiful, and often stupid people is because deep down we get to feel like them – tan, gorgeous, rich – if only for half an hour.
Here are six ways you can feel like a celebrity when really you are basic AF.
1. WEAR SOMETHING THAT IS NOT TRADITIONALLY WORN AS “OUTSIDE OF THE HOUSE” CLOTHING.
Here’s the thing no one tells you about fashion… 80 percent of it is wearing something outrageous and just saying, “This? Oh, this is fashion,” and the other 20 percent is making sure that whatever it is, it was outrageously expensive for no reason.
Think bras as T-shirts, belts as bras, shoes made out of a synthetic, see-through, sweaty material…
2. EAT OR DRINK A LOT OF ONE THING.
The name of the game when it comes to the celebrity lifestyle is excess. The more, more, more, you can get of any one thing, the better.
Pick your poison.
What’s your guilty pleasure? Coffee? Go crazy. Bubble gum? Chew that sh*t until your teeth fall out. Hotdogs? Kale? The tiny mints you get on the way out of restaurants? Stock up and then document it.
As long as you make a face that says, “YO, YOU WILL NEVER HAVE THIS MANY CHEETOS IN YOUR LIFE! I’M AWESOME!” in the selfie, then the calories can’t hurt you.
3. TAKE AN EXORBITANT AMOUNT OF PHOTOS.
Pics or it literally didn’t happen. If you want to feel like a celebrity, you have to think like a celebrity, and that means adapting the belief that the whole world is here to look at YOU.
Find your best light in your apartment and go nuts. Take a mysterious selfie, a sexy selfie, a moody selfie, a happy selfie, a “candid” selfie, or stock pile your friends and take pics like you’re the coolest kids in town.
Make a massive Instagram story and revel in being the center of your own universe.
4. WEAR SUNGLASSES TO PLACES THAT DON’T CALL FOR THEM.
This one is easy, affordable, and oh-so temporary.
Pull an Anna Wintour and wear your sunglasses at night, indoors, and in lots public places.
Why are you wearing your sunnies inside? NONE OF ANYONE’S DAMN BUSINESS, THAT’S WHY!
5. KEEP PEOPLE GUESSING ON YOUR DATING LIFE.
Have a dating life? Great. Play a little on-again, off-again with your boo-thang.
Single AF? Even better. Snap pics with as many of your acquaintances as you can. Just make sure you’re touching their knees, arms or lower back in the photos and, voila! A rumor is born, making you look desirable as with a love life
6. ADAPT A BIZARRE, TOTALLY UNSUSTAINABLE WORKOUT ROUTINE AND/OR DIET PLAN.
You know the kind. A tea before you get out of bed, vitamins that claim to turn sugar into self-worth and confidence, etc. etc.
Working out between the hours of 3 a.m. and 5 a.m. everyday and having 19 small meals before sundown is sure to keep you looking red carpet chic. You get the idea.