We’re hanging out. We’re seeing each other. We’re fun buddies. If there’s one thing the millennial generation has successfully mastered, it’s how to avoid romantic commitment. And why bother, when there’s plenty more swipes in the dating app sea? Much like fast fashion, casual dating is all about supply and demand – with the added benefit of not having to deal with baggage or heartbreak. A recent survey by online dating website eHarmony reveals that 25% of British singletons openly admit to commitmentphobia – fear of settling down – with casual dating listed as the driving factor.
The modern culture of dating and f**king with no strings attached is clearly affecting people’s attitudes towards romance. Other key reasons for a fear of commitment that participants listed included uncertainty over whether a partner was right for them (39%), fear of opening up and potentially being hurt again (38%) and a lack of confidence in their own ability to maintain a successful relationship (35%).
Interestingly, nearly one in 10 singles admitted that the overflow of options on dating apps makes it harder for them to be with just one person. Ollie Jackson*, 30, a creative consultant from London, has been single for just over a year. He explains that his commitment issues have caused problems in previous relationships and that dating apps have been a hindrance in his love life, too. ‘It’s a tricky one, but ultimately I think it comes down to questioning your own decisions as to whether you think you’ve made the right decision or if you should look for something different,’ says Jackson.
‘Modern dating methods don’t help. By having more choice, it makes it even harder to commit to one person, especially when most of the dating apps are so throwaway. ‘It can seem like you’re stalling or that you’re not interested, when that’s not the case at all. ‘People also often assume that men who have a fear of commitment are players, but that’s really not it.’ And it’s not just singles who can’t settle down – those in relationships are suffering from commitmentphobia, too.
Almost 25% of those who are currently in relationships are scared to settle down and put a ring on it. Not great news for the wedding industry. Jenny, who recently turned 30, says: ‘I’ve loved once before and gave it my f**king all, and I don’t want to be hurt ever again – that’s why I’m afraid of commitment. ‘My fears are causing problems in my current relationship, but we’re still together.
Modern dating mediums have also had an effect on etiquette for both genders, with new – horrible – courting methods such as ghosting, shadowing and orbiting, along with flirting via social media, taking over the dating sphere. Clémentine Lalande, co-CEO of the dating app Once,said: ‘As easy as it is to find a date or hook-up on an app, it is just as easy to get rid of them and find someone else. ‘Millennials live in a society with a disposable attitude and a disillusioned expectation for everything to be perfect. ‘Your phone breaks? Buy a new one. ‘Your date says one thing you don’t like? Ditch them and swipe to find a new person in a matter of minutes.
‘They have grown up in a world of 140 characters, quick texts, next day delivery and instant communication. It’s not surprising it is a generation of short attention spans with quick expectation and even quicker disappointment. ‘With slow dating becoming a growing trend though, I expect this to change once a quality over quantity approach is realised, and people invest time and commit to each conversation, date and relationship.’
So, if you’re stuck in a vicious circle non-committal relationships, what should you do? ‘The rise and ease of casual dating has undoubtedly had an impact on people’s ability to commit,’ said psychologist Emma Kenny. ‘With so much choice, it’s understandable that many people think a better option will always present itself. ‘By engaging in commitmentphobic behaviours that keep a partner at a distance, even those of us in loving relationships may be short-changing ourselves.