Funerals in Kenya are such a big deal, especially in counties in Nyanza and western Kenya. They are shrouded with drama and a lot of crazy things. From women who go there to outdo each other in as far as latest fashion is concerned to others who insist on adorning dark shades, which make them look like gangsters.
Allegedly, cases of professional mourners are very popular around Nairobi, seeing as most funerals in public cemeteries tend to have very low mourner turn out because most Nairobians tend to be very busy, and only attend their relatives or close friend’s funerals.
Fake eulogies
“You see this tall, thin and weary man, they say he is unwell. In fact, lets give him roughly three months; you will just hear that he is dead! And you see that boy passing by; he is the first-born son of so and so. Imagine he is 36 years old and he has refused to marry. He lives in Nairobi, and rumour has it that he is never enthusiastic about women ati he likes fellow men,” a woman would be overheard saying under her breath.
It gets even crazier. It’s very common to hear Kenyans lie about the dead. For instance, when a rapist, bandit, cattle rustler or any other crook passes on. You will hear fake eulogies flying all over the place, with people praising the dead as a very good man/woman. Superstition is also very common.
Gossip and spread rumours
“Hehe! Nairobi people do crazy things, I’m told that man…yes…the one in a shinny suit is the husband to so and so’s first born daughter. They have been married for 7 years yet they have no child. They say the man shoots blanks! And that skinny fellow over there, they say he is so proud and arrogant that he never talks mother tongue to his village mates in Nairobi. In fact, he is one of those proud people who talk to villagers in English,” another one will be overheard replying, as the rest suppress giggles and give each other ‘high fives’.
Guaranteed of eating
In western Kenya, funerals always tend to have very high mourner turnout, not because they go there to pay homage and express their sorrows, but because they are guaranteed of eating.
Mourners, especially when they learn the bereaved family is well off, device strange daily survival tactics that involve, for instance, taking breakfast at the funeral, they go engage in their daily activities, come back for lunch, hang around for a while, go back to their other activities before making an evening technical appearance to eat supper! Seeing as some of these funerals take weeks, such would be the routine for some Kenyans.
Some even have the audacity to come with their family members such as their young children, of course, armed with their beddings. And the bereaved always entertain such nonsense and feed them well for fear of being gossiped about at the next funeral for having starved mourners! So rampant is this behavious that some people don’t care what other think of them.
Women steal cutlery
Other Kenyans, especially women, go to funerals to steal cutlery and other related kitchen stuff. So rampant is this trend that some families always resort to putting marks on their cups and plates to discourage thieves from pinching them. For instance, when his father died, Moses Aganda had to lock some of their property in a separate room.
“My friend, don’t joke with Kenyans. They stop at nothing, including stealing cups and plates in funeral, to own property. During my father’s funeral, we had to lock some of our valuables in a room, for fear of losing them to mourners with sticky fingers,” Aganda says.
Politicians turn it into a rally
A Kenyan funeral is the best place for a politician to hurl insults at his political enemies and rivals, make a big political statement on how government is poorly run, and boast of how he plans to launch a political party. Take, for instance, the case of Ismael Sakari who recently overheard a politician on a Kisumu bound plane whispering to his colleague whether he had an idea of any ‘big’ funeral which they would attend that weekend.
Others have even fought physically over the microphone to make political statements. Such was the case a month ago when a funeral service was disrupted for close to an hour in Migori County, after the county’s Governor Okoth Obado and Siaya Senator James Orengo fought over the microphone. In some cases, burials have to be postponed, especially in cases where a high profiled politician expected to attend has a busy schedule.
Demand outstanding dowry
Others take this opportunity to crawl out of the woodwork to demand outstanding dowry payment. Such was the agony that Philemon Msava had to experience after his mother passed on. His in-laws came and demanded the outstanding dowry that his father had allegedly not settled. Despite the fact that his father died a few years ago and they were all quiet by then, they just came out of nowhere and demanded that the dowry balance.
“You must pay up the six thousand shillings and two cows you owe us, or else we take away her body,” an old man threatened. The burial was delayed by a further two days before the matter was sorted out. Alex, from Khwisero, Kakamega County was also faced with a similar problem when he lost his wife. He was forced to pay five cows and three hundred thousand before getting burial rights.
Seduce each other
They display their “wife material” qualities by being excessively nice and they subliminally hit on the bereaved man. Even before the man starts making moves, his relatives, friend and associates recommend that he marries the woman.
“Huyu anaonekana anaweza kukutunza vizuri oa yeye (this woman looks like she can take good care of you, marry her),” a relative would be overheard recommending.Put differently, some Kenyans go to funerals to seduce each other!