‘Staying together for the kids’ is rarely a good idea, but it’s hard to follow your own heart when you know it could break your child’s.
This week, we hear from a reader who’s fallen out of love with her husband, and has had her head turned by a fellow parent she met on the school run.
Although she wants to be with this new man, she’s terrified of the impact leaving her marriage could have.
Read the advice below, but before you go, don’t forget to check out last week’s column, from a woman who, after being widowed young, sought comfort in her friend’s husband.
The problem…
I’ve been having a fling with one of the dads at my child’s school and although I feel guilty about it, I can’t seem to stop.
I’m married with three children, and have always thought I was far too sensible to do anything wild like have an affair. I have friends who’ve had sexual adventures and always listened to their stories aghast, thinking I could never do anything like it.
Then out of the blue, it happened to me. My youngest started school in September and there was a new parent at the playground gates. As soon as we looked at each other, something just clicked and I swear I fell for him there and then.
A few days later we started talking and arranged to meet for a drink. I discovered he’s divorced but has his child regularly, and since that first chat, we’ve met up two or three times a week. We usually go straight back to his place after drop off, and as my husband is at work, there’s no chance of him suspecting me or wondering where I am.
We have wild sex and this man makes me feel wonderful and fulfilled, something I haven’t felt with my husband for a long time. I’m like a teenager again; every time I see him my stomach does somersaults and my knees shake. He says he feels the same.
He wants me to leave my husband but how can I ruin my marriage and walk out on three young children? My partner is a kind man and wonderful father, but I think I’ve just fallen out of love with him.
I love this other man and can’t bear the thought of giving him up.
The advice…
It’s easy to love someone you only spend a few snatched hours with each week. But would your relationship be as exciting or fulfilling if you were with this man all the time?
Please take a step back and think very hard before you do something you may regret, and which is likely to do irrevocable damage to your children. Consider where you are and where you’d be if you left your family. Would you truly be happier or are you likely to find yourself less happy, through feeling guilty or missing what you had? You’d be with the man of your dreams, but at what cost?
Life is rarely perfect, so for the minute, please stop seeing your lover and talk to your husband about the state of your relationship. You must decide whether or not to confess your infidelity; if you do, it will be a difficult conversation, but might be the jolt you both need to set things back on track.
Children are usually torn this way and that in divorces so before you throw your marriage away, invest some time in couples’ counselling to see if you can save it.
You’ve only known this man a short time, but if he really is the love of your life, he’ll wait for you. There’s a lot at stake.
Laura is a counsellor and columnist.