Want the truth? We really, really do need sex but we need it to be good. It’s not news that women are underserved by monogamy. In recent years, more and more research has found that much to everyone’s dismay, men don’t have the monopoly on wanting variety, novelty and a lot of heat in the bedroom. Many women, it turns out, are all horned up with no place to f*$#. Well, they can at home it’s just they don’t want to. Why? Because the sex there went bad a few months into a long-term relationship, and it’s never recovered.
The problem is not that they are functionally unable to have sex, or to have orgasms, or in frequency. It’s that the sex they’re having isn’t what she wants. What’s interesting about this anecdote is that it upends other presumptions about sex we’re always working off of when we try to make sense of mismatched libidos. One is that we think sexual incompatibility or displeasure must come from somebody (the woman) not getting off, when that’s not the case here, or always.
Does this at least mean we can retire the stereotype that women don’t really like sex, but merely pretend to so they can lock a guy down? Because letting go of that cliché, which shows up in sitcoms, films and bad standup, may be the only way to actually solve this issue of sexual incompatibility, which has nothing to do with the things we typically assume it does.
They are both getting off. Another is that we think they must not do it at all or enough, which isn’t the case, as they’re doing it three times a week and the issue isn’t quantity for either of them. What makes this so maddening is that the issue here is simpler but also harder to solve, that’s not about getting the right sex toy or trying the right position, so much as it’s about being open to doing those things so everyone’s sexual needs are met.