That safety issue is what I want to talk to you about today. Especially if you are a woman, I really want you to read this because, let’s be honest, women are much more at risk than men in these scenarios. If you are a woman meeting a man you’ve come to care about for the first time you must be cautious and smart. I can’t say this strongly enough.
Most people will turn out to be more or less who they say they are. Most people have good intentions. Most, however, is not everyone. So here are my top tips for staying safe when you’re meeting someone for the first time.
1. Meet in public
The first time you meet someone, the safest thing to do is meet in a public place—an airport, train station, bus stop, park, hotel lobby, etc.
Also, make sure your cell phone is charged and carry it on you.
If they’re coming to you,you’ll probably want to greet them alone (let’s face it, first meetings are exciting/nerve-wracking enough without an audience,) but make sure friends or family members know exactly when and where you’ll be.
If you’re traveling to them, carry enough cash in your pocket to pay for a taxi. Also bring cash or credit cards that you can use to pay for a hotel if need be.
After you meet, don’t immediately take them back to your home unless there will be other people present.
2. Keep family and friends updated
In addition to letting family or friends know where and when you’re meeting, check in with your “trusties” after the pickup via text or phone, and regularly throughout the visit.
Also, work out in advance with a friend or family member a discreet “I want backup” signal that you can use if you want them to join you or bail you out at any point.
3. Don’t invite them to stay with you, and don’t agree to stay at their place (especially if you/they live alone)
If you’re traveling to them, don’t agree to stay with him or her during your first visit. Especially if your long distance partner lives alone, stay in a hotel or ask them to arrange for you to stay with another friend of theirs.
If they’re coming to you,don’t invite them to stay at your house, particularly if you live alone (and even more importantly, if you are a woman.) Ask them to stay a hotel or organize for them to stay with a friend.
Yes, this will feel inconvenient, but it’s worth being a little cautious and making extra effort at this stage.
No matter how well you feel you know him or her, there is a lot you don’t know yet. It’s unlikely (although not impossible) that your long distance partner would physically assault you or otherwise take advantage of you during the visit.
What is far morelikely is that one or both of you will feel some degree of ambivalence and confusion during your first visit. If you’re not sleeping in the same house, it will also reduce the pressure and you will both have a bit more time and space to process your thoughts and reactions.
4. Have things planned out that you can do together
You’ll want to plan some things to do together, because sitting at home alone together all weekend might: (a) be awkward; (b) be boring; (c) be unsafe; and (d) facilitate you ending up in bed together long before that may be wise.
So plan some activities that will allow you to talk to each other—going out to dinner or on picnics, visiting parks and museums, taking a day trip somewhere nearby.
Depending on how much of an introvert you are (and therefore how much quiet time you need to recharge) you might also want to plan one or two activities that will give you a break from talking (movies, plays, shows, concerts, etc.). Check out the section on great activities to do together during a first meeting for more on this.
5. Don’t have sex
I recommend you don’t have sex during your first meeting visit. I know many of you will completely ignore that recommendation, and that’s your right. We’re all grownups (hopefully) and we can all make our own decisions about this. But I’m being frank and honest in this little book, and my advice is… wait on the sex.
No matter what you think about sex and when is a good time to have it in a relationship (early, after a while, not until you’re married) do not underestimate how tempting it will probably be to go to bed with your new long distance love interest during your first visit.
Getting to know someone by phone or email creates a great deal of emotional intimacy. When you meet face to face, it is tempting to move quickly to become as intimate physically as you feel you are emotionally.
While this might feel great in the moment, it can have unintended physical and psychological consequences—and I’m not just talking about physical safety, unplanned pregnancy, and sexually transmitted diseases. I’m talking about psychological safety and staying clear-headed enough to make good decisions about the future of your relationship.
Did you know that having sex with someone too early in a relationship can make it harder, not easier, to figure out what you think of that person? That’s because having sex with someone releases brain chemicals that help create emotional bonds between partners. Breaking these bonds can cause great emotional pain.
This means that after you sleep with someone you’ll be more emotionally invested in the relationship, less able to think clearly about whether this is a good relationship for you to be in, and more motivated not to break it off even if you’re having doubts.