There should be no shame in the head game

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A lot of us have shame about our sexual desires. Even if you know you want your partner to get a little rough, asking them to do so can feel scarier than running around the estate naked. If you’re looking for a more nuanced way to communicate your needs, talking about how you want to feel can be a good tactic. This strategy can also come in handy if you’re totally fine with being direct in theory, but you’re nervous about hurting your partner’s feelings. Our egos are often wrapped up in our sexuality. It’s important to be gentle with our partners so that everyone can have a positive sexual experience. This goes both ways.

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You’re lying in bed, your partner’s head is between your legs, and you’re not exactly going wild with pleasure. If only they realized that your clitoris is an inch higher than where they’re determinedly lapping away, you are laying there feeling a slight feel of teeth on your meat. Well, this is never going to happen, you might think. Do you just chill here until they’re bored, or? Should you actually say something? Draw a diagram?

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If you’re used to asking for what you want in bed, you might skip this mental back-and-forth and get right to it. In that case, please accept my virtual applause. But if you’re not there yet, that’s perfectly OK too. Maybe you’re at a loss for words when your partner asks what you need. Or maybe they haven’t explicitly asked, but you know you need to speak up if you’re ever going to have the s3x you want. Either way, you’re in great company.

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I’ve come to realize that telling your partner how you want to feel is sometimes just as good or even better than asking for a specific act. Straight-up saying something like, “hey, this isn’t working for me,” or “a little to the left” or “A little less teeth and more saliva,” can feel intimidating. Expressing how you want to feel might be an easier way into the conversation.

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I want to be really clear about this, though. The goal here isn’t to be evasive about what you want in order to spare someone’s ego. As long as everything is consensual, you’re entitled to enjoy yourself as much as possible during sex. The point is that expressing how you want to feel might make this even easier, but it’s all about context. If you know the only way to get what you want is to spell it out without mincing words, go for it.

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