Being single is no walk in the park, especially after timeless kind of love. Walking away from a meaningful relationship is always going to be difficult. A break up is always harder when it wasn’t your decision.
But no two situations are exactly the same. Sometimes, people are oblivious to their partner’s unhappiness, whereas in other cases, there are tensions bubbling under the surface for a long time before things reach a breaking point.
If you’ve ever been through a break up, you’ll know it took a while to feel like yourself again. It’s one of the most traumatic things that can happen in our adult lives — but we still embark on new relationships, because the pay-off is worth it despite the risks.
When something threatens our connections, primal feelings can fire up, and a break up can feel so devastating thanks to how we’re wired both biologically and psychologically.
Here are 5 reasons it’s so hard to let go, even if the relationship was totally wrong for you in the first place.
1. You’re lonely
Put simply, one of the main reasons you’re not letting go of a past relationship is because you’re lonely right now, said Erika Ettin, a relationship coach and founder of A Little Nudge.
“Rather than pining over someone who wasn’t right for you, focus on yourself,” she said. “Get back into hobbies you used to do, treat yourself to something that makes you happy, and get back in touch with friends who you haven’t seen in a while. It’s much better to be single than to be with the wrong person.”
2. You’re still connected on Social Media
Immediately after a break up, you’re likely to still be connected to each other on social media. Ettin said this isn’t a good idea.
“Unblock, unfriend, un-everything,” she said. “In this case, ignorance is bliss. Online stalking can get out of hand. Don’t do it.”
In time, you may be able to be friends. But don’t try to rush it. If you’re meant to be in each other’s lives, it will happen naturally. So don’t worry about burning bridges — look after yourself first.
3. You only remember the good times
In the midst of a break up, you’re likely to only focus on the good times you and your ex had.
“Relationships are complicated, and sometimes when we’re sad, we want to forget about all of the issues and see the relationship through rose-colored glasses,” Ettin said. “Assuming you broke up for valid reasons, it won’t help to dwell on the good that was there.”
4. You didn’t get closure.
People can obsess over their exes for various reasons, Eek said, including the fact you’re unlikely to ever get closure. This can give people “an inability to understand a situation, and the feeling of helplessness in not having any power to change it,” he said.
The truth is, when someone hurts you, you’re not going to like any of the reasons why it happened. So racking your mind for explanations isn’t going to help you in the long run. It’s best to try and let it go.
5. You’re still in contact.
Finally, you might be struggling to move on because you’re still in contact with your ex. This is a particularly bad idea if you’re trying to move on from a relationship that was abusive.
“You’re in contact… too much,” Neo said. “Besides trauma bonding, where you only feel alive when abused, your toxic ex may be contacting you too much and destabilising you. With that, it is impossible to have a sense of closure. Other forms of contact may include obsessing over their lives via friends or social media.”
Put up healthy boundaries in place, she said, or you’ll never rise above it and heal from the relationship.