Romantic couples with a large age gap often raise eyebrows. Studies have found partners with more than a 10-year gap in age experience social disapproval. But when it comes to our own relationships, both men and women prefer someone their own age, but are open to someone 10-15 years their junior or senior.
While there is variation across cultures in the size of the difference in age-gap couples, all cultures demonstrate the age-gap couple phenomenon. In some non-Western countries, the average age gap is much larger than in Western countries. For example, in some African countries about 30 per cent of unions reflect a large age gap.
How many relationships have a big age gap?
Across Western countries, about 8 per cent of all married heterosexual couples can be classified as having a large age gap (10 years or more). These generally involve older men partnered with younger women. About 1 per cent of age-gap couples involve an older woman partnered with a younger man.
The limited evidence on same-sex couples, however, suggests the prevalence rates are higher. About 25 per cent of male-male unions and 15 per cent of female-female unions demonstrate a large age gap.
But what these trends tell us is that the majority of the population is likely to partner with someone of similar age. This largely has to do with having social circles that generally include peers of similar ages and being attracted to others who are similar. Similarity entails many things, including personality, interests and values, life goals and stage of life, and physical traits (age being a marker of physical appearance).
Why doesn’t age matter to some?
Many of the reasons proposed for age-gap couples have been largely rooted in evolutionary explanations, and focus on explaining older man-younger woman pairings.
From this perspective, it’s thought men’s preferences for younger women and women’s preferences for older men relate to reproductive fitness. That is, the extent to which someone has “good genes” — indicated by their attractiveness and sense of energy (also known as vitality) — and the extent to which they are a “good investment” — indicated by their status and resources as well as their warmth and sense of trust.
But because the building of resources takes time, we tend to acquire resources later in life and so are older by the time we have acquired enough wealth and resources to comfortably provide for others. So, women being attuned to status and resources might explain why some women may be attracted to older men.
In contrast, there’s evidence to suggest men value attractiveness and vitality more than women because, from an evolutionary standpoint, youth is seen as an indicator of fertility. Given men cannot bear children, evolution suggests they’re attuned to younger women to enhance the chances of partnering with someone who can provide children.
What are the relationship outcomes for age-gap couples?
Many people assume age-gap couples fare poorly when it comes to relationship outcomes. But some studies find the relationship satisfaction reported by age-gap couples is higher. These couples also seem to report greater trust and commitment and lower jealousy than similar-age couples. Over three-quarters of couples where younger women are partnered with older men report satisfying romantic relationships.
A factor that does impact on the relationship outcomes of age-gap couples is their perceptions of social disapproval. That is, if people in age-gap couples believe their family, friends and wider community disapprove of their union, then relationship commitment decreases and the risk of break-up increases.
These effects appear to apply to heterosexual and same-sex couples. So the negative outcomes for age-gap couples seem to reside not in problems within the couple, but in pressures and judgments from the outside world.
Another factor at play may have to do with the stage of life each partner is experiencing. For instance, a 10-year gap between a 20-year-old and a 30-year-old may bring up different challenges and issues than for a 10-year gap where one partner is 53 and the other is 63.
Does age matter?
The success of a relationship depends on the extent to which partners share similar values, beliefs and goals about their relationship; support each other in achieving personal goals; foster relationship commitment, trust and intimacy; and resolve problems in constructive ways. These factors have little do with age.
So the reality is, while an age gap may bring about some challenges for couples, so long as couples work at their relationship, age should be no barrier.