Sex is simple; It’s everything surrounding sex that’s wildly complicated.
And just because this is about the things all guys really appreciate during sex, sex is actually about two people (or hey, three or four) taking care of each other’s needs. You should be with someone who is willing (and excited) to give you the same respect and attention in the bedroom he himself wants.
While many people want to try new things in the bedroom, often they can be afraid to ask. Here’s what men could secretly be after
Use Your Hands More
A lot of men want women to be more physically active in bed — starting with the hands. “I’m sure it’s mostly through impulse when my gf does it but she grabs my arms to feel my triceps flexing when I’m on top,” says one Reddit user in the AskMen forum. “Sometimes she’ll grab my neck and pull my hair if it’s long enough.
Ass-grabbing if you can reach. When I get closer to her she’ll wrap her arms around my back and clench. Makes me feel good and helps me think that I’m doing something right.”
We hear this one from EVERYONE! “Men are expected to perform all the time and that’s not realistic,” says Dr. Dawn Michael, clinical sexologist and author of Intimacy Guidebook for Couples. “They don’t always want to be the one to initiate sex.” When men have to initiate every time, it makes them feel less desirable and can give them performance anxiety.
“Especially among younger men, porn gives this false sense that that’s what sex can or should look like,” says Ken Solin, dating expert and author of the forthcoming book Boomer Guide to Finding Love Online. He feels porn is actually poisoning sexual relationships.
But talking about fantasies — without necessarily acting on them — can still be helpful. “Talk about sex and what it is that you want, what you need, and what you’re willing to give,” Solin says. “If you have a deep emotional bond, there’s not a lot that isn’t sexually viable.”
Men want to be intimate with you — and to ask for things — without feeling judged or criticized. Be open and loving. And if you want him to do something differently, Solin suggests instead of saying, “You never …” try, “It would feel great if you would do this.”
And DON’T take it personally if he loses his erection. This is so important! “Men, if they are tired or stressed, are not always able to maintain an erection,” Michaels says. “If you take it personally, it can create performance anxiety.”
Dr. Michael says that despite the popularity of Fifty Shades, she sees a very different trend among men. “Some men enjoy when their wives are in control, but not in a harsh way. More in a nurturing way. It’s rarely talked about, but they want to be nurtured sexually.”
She says for men this means wives are intimate, tender, and loving, that they initiate sex and truly enjoy desiring her man. It’s sex as care-taking: “That is a huge thing to really desire him and show that desire. Women forget that men are emotional and sex is a huge expression of intimacy.”
“Men like it when a woman is able to show them what turns her on, but not in a way that’s putting him down,” says Michaels. Here’s the key to doing this right: “Take his hand and show him what you like, but don’t tell him what you don’t like,” she advises. “Keep it positive and fun — sex is supposed to be fun and enjoyable.”
You can learn a lot about what turns you on through sex. However! Men don’t want to be solely responsible for your pleasure. You need to do your own homework. “Women need to take responsibility through masturbation to figure out what they want so they can show their husband what turns them on,” Michaels says. Don’t make him fumble on his own.
This is another one we hear a lot: Men want you to feel more comfortable with your body. “They don’t like it when women put themselves down, or make negative comments.” It’s a turn-off. But what if that’s how you really feel? Practice acting as-if. Tell yourself you’re hot stuff the way you are.