Just Love Isn’t Enough: The Relationship Advice No One Ever Tells You

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Sometimes the key to having a happy and healthy relationship is to ignore all that relationship advice out there! Well… not all of it. But often the cliché tips you’ve heard a million times from friends, family, or women’s magazines don’t apply to your particular situation. There might be some universal truths about relationships, but there’s rarely a one-size-fits-all prescription for a given couple or situation.

Plus, we all learn a lot about what makes a relationship work best by being in one and taking things as they comes. So, here are 11 pieces of relationship advice you likely never hear, but should definitely know.

Actually, it’s OK to Go to Bed Angry

Sometimes you just might be too tired or stressed to talk about a sensitive issue or work out a fight at the end of a long day—and that’s OK. In fact, often getting some sleep will make it easier for you to have an important conversation, says psychologist and relationship expert Dr. Laura Ciel

“This doesn’t mean yelling at them or getting a last verbal attack in and then shutting down. It means letting your partner know that you will return to the issue when you’re ready the next day and reassuring them how much you love them and/or how much you care about them and the relationship.” Don’t make the fight bigger than the relationship!

Just Love Isn’t Enough

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It’s not just about love—it’s about connection. “Connection is what pulls love along with you wherever you go,” says love and relationship coach, Jessica Elizabeth Opert. “We can indeed pile an entire amazing life into the cart of love, however, without the connection to pull it, the cart stops and love dies, so focus less on how to create more love, and instead, ask yourself, how can I connect more with my partner?”

Connection is strengthened when you share activities, go through challenges together, and honestly communicate with each other.

Take a Break from Talking

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You can’t seem to read or hear about any relationship advice without being told how important communication is, right? That’s true, but it doesn’t always mean talking about things over and over to resolve it perfectly. “Sometimes the best thing you can do is STOP talking, breathe, go for a walk and remember why your relationship matters so much to you,” says Ciel.

“Reconnecting with the bigger picture of your love for this person can help you filter out the unnecessary words and zero in on what you really want to say from a place of love.”

Lying (Occasionally) is Fine

It’s important to be honest on the whole, but there’s a difference between being honest and hurtful. White lies involve omitting the truth to spare someone’s feelings.

For example, if your partner worked hard to make you a nice meal and the food wasn’t so great, you might say the meal was good if asked in order to avoid hurting them, says relationship therapist Kimberly Hershenson. “White lies are not okay if something is consistently bothering you.

For instance, if every holiday season your partner buys you a gift you don’t like, instead of smiling and saying how much you like it, communicate how you feel.”

Quit Dreaming

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Dreaming and imagining is great when you do it with your partner about your future together, or do it yourself and then share. But don’t waste any time wishing and hoping for something you’re not willing to say out loud to your partner. “Stop waiting for your partner to read your mind and start asking for what you want,” says Ciel. “This applies in the bedroom, as well as other areas of your life. Once you’re clear on what you hope for, share it!”

Go Easy on the Gifts

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Make an agreement with each other to minimize gift exchanging and get into the habit of spending money on experiences you can do together instead, suggests sexpert Bethany Ricciardi. “I’m not saying he/she doesn’t love the jewelry and new Nikes, but doing things like trying a new restaurant, going to concerts, or taking classes are things that you’re actually going to remember and appreciate more, since you’ll be creating memories together.”

Finances Matter… a Lot

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People who don’t share core values and a shared mindset around money make for terrible partners. “One of the top causes of divorce is a lack of alignment around money,” says Opert. “That can mean spending the money, saving the money, sharing the money, and how we emotionally value money.

Financial talk can lead to more arguments and disconnection in relationships, which is why it’s one of the most important parts of creating a happy, fulfilled, and sustainable relationship.” So talk out any concerns or differences you might have ASAP.

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