How to survive a long distance relationship

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Long distance relationships are the worst. “Is he/she worth waiting for? Are they feeling the same way I do?” “Am I kidding myself thinking this can work?” “Would I be better off dating the mailman instead?

At least he comes to my house every day.” “Does my girlfriend even exist or is this just a Nigerian guy conducting an elaborate credit card scam?”

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I get it. I’ve been there. Long distance relationships suck. There’s no way around it. In all of my years, I’ve never met someone who has said, “Yeah, my girlfriend lives across the Sea ,Seychelles, it’s great!”

On the contrary, everyone I’ve met in a long distance relationship can relate to the slow agonizing feeling that takes place over months or even years — that feeling that your heart is slowly being carved out of your chest by a butter knife and replaced with Skype calls and open chat windows.

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All three of my significant relationships have involved long distance in some way. As a young man who was terrified of any sort of commitment whatsoever, I found that I could only allow myself to fall for a girl if she was at least 500 miles away.

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 The first one, we both genuinely tried to make it work, but things fell apart spectacularly. The second one, we both agreed that our lives were taking us to different parts of the world and we were probably better off letting it go, we then struggled to, you know, actually let go over the next year.

The third, because we had both done this before, we immediately made plans to end the distance as soon as possible (six months) and then made the appropriate sacrifices to do so.

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So I guess what I’m saying is, I’ve seen both sides of the long distance relationship coin. I’ve seen them implode and I’ve seen them fizzle out. I’ve seen them be worth the pain and loneliness but also reach the moment of needing to let go.

When it comes to surviving the distance, here’s what I’ve learned is most important.

YOU ALWAYS NEED SOMETHING TO LOOK FORWARD TO TOGETHER

What kills long distance relationships is the constant underlying uncertainty of everything. “Is this all worth it?” “Does she still feel the same way about me as she did before?” “Is he secretly meeting other girls without me knowing?” “Am I kidding myself with all of this? Maybe we’re horrible for each other and I don’t know it.”

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The longer you two are apart, the more these uncertainties will fester and grow into legitimate existential crises.

That’s why when making any long distance relationship work it’s necessary to always have some date that you are both waiting for. Usually, this will be the next time you are both able to see each other.

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But it can be other major life moments as well — applying for jobs in the other person’s city, looking at apartments together, a vacation together, and so on.

BE SLOW TO JUDGE

A funny thing happens to humans psychologically when we’re separated from one another. We’re not able to see each other as we truly are. When we’re apart from one another or have limited exposure to a person or event, we start to make all sorts of assumptions or judgments that are usually exaggerated or untrue.

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This can manifest itself in various ways within a long distance relationship. In some cases, people get insanely jealous or irrationally possessive of their partner because they perceive every casual social outing without them as potentially threatening to their relationship.

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They become paranoid, asking “Who the fuck is Dan? Tell me who the fuck this Dan guy is, and why is he writing on your Facebook wall — oh, he’s your stepbrother? I didn’t know you had a stepbrother. Why didn’t you tell me you had a stepbrother? Are you hiding something from me? OK, maybe I wasn’t listening when you told me, but I still don’t want you hanging out with Dan, got it?”

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Other people become extremely critical and neurotic that every small thing that goes wrong is an end to the relationship. Like if the power goes out and their partner misses their nightly Skype call, they sit there thinking to themselves that this is it, the relationship’s over, he finally forgot about me.

Other people go the other direction and start idealizing their partner as being perfect in a bunch of ways that they’re actually not. After all, if your partner isn’t in front of you all day every day, it’s easy to forget all of the little obnoxious parts of their personality that actually bother you.

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It’s easy to overlook their flaws and faults. And not only that, but it feels good to imagine that there’s this picture-perfect person for you — “the one” — out there, and it’s these damn logistical circumstances that are the only thing keeping you apart.

MAKE COMMUNICATION OPTIONAL

A lot of long-distance couples create rules or expectations that they should have X number of calls or that they need to talk every night at a certain time. You can even find some articles online recommending this sort of behavior.

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It may work for some people, but I’ve always found that communication should happen organically and unconditionally. You talk to each other when you want to, not because you have to.

And if that means going 1-2 days without communicating, then so be it. People get busy, after all. And periodically having a few days to yourself is actually pretty healthy, I’d say.

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MAKE SURE THE DISTANCE IS TEMPORARY

A long-distance relationship cannot survive without hope. And for there to be hope, there must be some possibility that you two will one day be together and achieve your Happily Ever After (TM).

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Without that shared vision of Happily Ever After, everything else will quickly begin to feel meaningless.

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Remember, love is not enough. You both need to have life visions that are aligned, shared values and mutual interests.

If she’s taking a 10-year contract working for the Singaporean government, and he makes a career dogsledding around the polar ice caps, well, then there’s not much hope for that relationship, no matter how much they may love each other.

This few tips will make you love your other half no matter the distance

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