Before we look at what happens when couples experience conflict, let us look at what happens when they don’t fight at all
Relationships with no conflict have been proven over and over to be the least healthy. Typically, ‘no-conflict’ relationships don’t end with a bang, but with a whisper.
Usually, the split is pretty amicable because there was no real investment in the growth of the relationship. But when there is a real investment in the growth of the relationship, guess what else there is? A little thing called, Conflict
Conflicts can be constructive or destructive.
When you fight dirty, it’s literally destructive. You’re destroying trust, respect and confidence. When you fight in ways which are constructive, you’re literally constructing.
You’re constructing and building deeper trust, upgrading confidence, and engendering real acceptance. Here’s why
FIGHTING RENEWS A RELATIONSHIP
When disappointment and subsequent conflict occurs, apologies are often (i.e. pretty much always) in order. A solid apology typically engenders feelings of warmth and connection, because during the apology process, you reaffirm all the qualities you appreciate about your partner and are essentially apologizing for losing perspective of someone else’s wonderfulness.
If the apology is really on point, you might also get a declaration from each person to be more aware of how their choices impact the other, which you weren’t necessarily expecting. Sort of like being at a new restaurant on a semi-sketchy street on the lower east side, and then getting an amuse-bouche like, ‘oooh, ok..now this suddenly feels legit.‘
FIGHTING CONSTRUCTIVELY BOOSTS CONFIDENCE IN HANDLING STRESS TOGETHER
Stressful events aren’t exactly a rarity in this life, and experientially knowing that you’re part of a two person team that has effectively learned to use each other’s respective strengths, focus together, and expertly seek out the best possible outcome when stress comes a knockin’ is like walking around with pocket aces. It’s a special kind of assurance, and that assurance is built and won through many dealings with conflict.
FIGHTING PROVIDES AN OPPORTUNITY TO BE MORE DEEPLY KNOWN AND UNDERSTOOD
Assuming nothing egregious has occurred, usually fights happen when one person experiences what the other person sees as a disproportionate reaction to X.
If something has bothered you, there’s an opportunity to explain why it bothered you. Fights typically trigger old wounds, and conflicts present an opportunity to share our unique histories and subsequent sensitivities.
These hot-button issues more commonly arise during sensitive moments, moments of hurt, moments of disappointment.