When someone gets caught cheating, they instinctively apologize to their partners. Unfortunately, they don’t regret cheating. They just regret being caught.
Saying I’m sorry after cheating is meaningless.
Couples should seek a different and better type of resolution than just saying sorry. Couples can start by having an honest conversation that based on empathy.
Most people enjoy cheating. They revel in their affairs. They have fun. They have intense feelings of belonging and desire, and they have exciting sexual encounters.
Regret?
Close to fifty percent of cheaters won’t do anything differently while over 90 percent will be happy with the outcome.
This doesn’t mean they aren’t sorry for hurting their loved ones. But if you are the type of cheater who doesn’t regret anything except the hurt, don’t pretend that you regret the affair.
If you have been caught or disclosed your affair, stop saying “I’m sorry” over and over again—if it’s meaningless. If you don’t regret the outside relationship, those words barely penetrate the surface when you apologize.
Empathy
How many times have you said it? Until you really know what you are apologizing for, it helps to change your strategy.
The goal here is not to say, “I’m sorry,” but to find empathy for what your partner is going through.
Remember, the story we make up is our own take on reality and is going to be different from our partner’s. The goal is to find a place of empathy, where each partner can understand the other’s inner experience and try to empathize with each other’s story.
What your Partner Wants to Know
If you want to be honest when confronted by your partner, and not just mumble the standard “I’m sorry” (and if you want to stay out of your lizard brain), it helps to:
- Not blame
- Not deny
- Not dissemble
Think clearly about what you want to tell about your cheating
What your partner really wants to know is: Why?